


The Curious Case of the Magnolia Inn

by hkafterdark



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Ghosts, Investigations, Lost Episode, M/M, Transcript Format, a whole bunch of ghosts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 12:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22262830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hkafterdark/pseuds/hkafterdark
Summary: "Notes on The Lost Episode, reclaimed from various hidey holes (Ryan’s phone, the Google Drive folder, the external hard drive that went missing for six months before we found it in Tony’s car). I’ve reconstructed the structure of a standard episode in the event that we desperately need content, not that anyone will actually believe this is real. Maybe I could send it to a horror zine." - L.D.
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 14
Kudos: 73





	The Curious Case of the Magnolia Inn

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written a little after BFU's 69th (nice) episode for pod_together and because I'm an asshole, I handed this to bessyboo and said, "Here's something that will require like ten voice actors and a bunch of effects," and so the moral of the story is that podfic is to come. But! I am uploading this fic at long last for your reading pleasure. The Magnolia Inn is not a real place, though it is vaguely based on several different Portland stories I read up on while doing research. I'm pretty sure ghosts also aren't real, but it's hard to be sure.

**RYAN:** One thing that never made it into the show was this, uh, this lost episode we did about this haunted hotel in Portland where I swear to god we had actual recordings of ghosts talking to each other—

**SHANE:** We did not.

**RYAN:** Shane is in denial. He listened too and wasn’t so skeptical when he heard it, I’ll tell you that.

**SHANE:** So are you going to play these tapes for our dear viewers, Ryan Bergara?

**RYAN:** No, because like I said, it’s the lost episode. We had a power outage and the drive the on-location footage was on was shorted and—and it really fucking sucked! It was definitive proof that ghosts exist!

**SHANE:** You’ll say that about anything.

**RYAN:** Hey—

**SHANE: **“Oh my god, this piece of trash moved an inch! It was a ghost!”

**RYAN: **Fuck you—

**SHANE:** “Oh, I think I heard a whisper or maybe it was just the wind?”

**RYAN:** Fuck you, no I don’t, and you know this was real. Guys, it was real, it was proof, and I was heartbroken that we lost the footage. I think Shane sabotaged it.

**SHANE:** Or maybe aliens stole it!

**RYAN: **Fuck off.

\- Buzzfeed Unsolved, The Almost 70th Episode Retrospective

* * *

_Notes on The Lost Episode, reclaimed from various hidey holes (Ryan’s phone, the Google Drive folder, the external hard drive that went missing for six months before we found it in Tony’s car). Transcriptions of on location footage denoted and labeled with transcriber’s initials. Scripted sections included verbatim. Also included is the in-studio footage that was shot before the episode had to be scrapped. I’ve reconstructed the structure of a standard episode in the event that we desperately need content, not that anyone will actually believe this is real. Maybe I could send it to a horror zine. - L.D._

* * *

**TRANSCRIPTION OF UNEDITED ON LOCATION FOOTAGE FOR COLD OPEN**

> _Footage picks up during the drive to the Inn. Ryan is driving. - L.D. _

**RYAN: **There it is, up ahead. Do you see it?

**SHANE:** You mean the big sign that has the name of the hotel we’re looking for on it?

**RYAN: **Yes, that one.

**SHANE: **Yeah, I see it.

**RYAN: **You could sound more scared.

**SHANE: **You’re right, I could.

**RYAN: **Asshole. Okay, do you see a parking space?

**SHANE:** Yeah, there’s one on the left. Hey, are we spending the night?

**RYAN:** I swear to god I’ve told you this twelve times but yes, yes we are. We’re spending the night in the room that’s supposed to be haunted.

**SHANE:** Cool! That’ll be exciting.

**RYAN:** Sure. Exciting.

> _Ryan parks the car and they get out; the camera follows them after a brief pause to get out of the backseat as they go inside. The interior is a little folksy, lots of wood paneling and plush oversized furniture. There’s a lot of abstract art on the walls, all by local artists. At this point Shane goes to the counter and rings the bell a few times before the concierge emerges from the back. - L.D._

**CONCIERGE:** Hi there, welcome to the Magnolia Inn. Are you here to check in?

**SHANE:** Hi, we’re the ghost hunters.

**RYAN:** You said it! You said it!

**SHANE: **I’m learning to accept myself for who I am.

**CONCIERGE:** Oh right, you’re with Buzzfeed, aren’t you?

**RYAN:** Yep, that’s us. What do you know about the ghosts? Have you seen any yourself?

**CONCIERGE:** Oh yes, a few times.

**RYAN: ** Tell me _everything._

* * *

**[BUZZFEED UNSOLVED TITLE CARD]**

* * *

**TRANSCRIPTION OF FOOTAGE FILMED IN THE DINING ROOM FOR INTRODUCTION**

**RYAN: **This week on Buzzfeed Unsolved, we investigate the Magnolia Inn as part of our ongoing investigation into the question, “Are ghosts real?”

**SHANE:** [shakes his head]

**RYAN:** This place has a long history in Portland and more than a few spooky stories to its name. We’re spending the night here, which right now seems fine—I mean, it’s beautiful here—but it isn’t nighttime yet and that’s when the spooks come out.

**SHANE:** Yeah.

**RYAN:** I swear to god, one day you will see a ghost, and then you will eat every single word you’ve ever said to me.

**SHANE: **Sure.

**RYAN: **[wheeze]

* * *

**FOOTAGE FROM BUZZFEED UNSOLVED STUDIO **

**RYAN:** The Magnolia Inn was built in 1854 when Portland was still considered a frontier town. It quickly gained a reputation as the place to stay for traders traveling along the Willamette River. In 1873, destroyed twenty blocks of downtown Portland and the Inn burned to the ground. The hotel was rebuilt in 1876, but ever since it has been plagued by rumors of hauntings. A series of odd incidents over the years has led to the Inn having a reputation as a gathering place for ghosts.

**SHANE: **What, are the ghosts holding conventions there?

**RYAN:** I—I don’t know, maybe! Maybe ghosts hold conventions, we don’t know what they do all day when they aren’t spooking people.

**SHANE:** What would they have panels on? “How to Optimize Your Hauntings 101.”

**RYAN:** A roundtable discussion on best spooking techniques.

**SHANE:** Look, I don’t know about you, but I’d go to that.

**RYAN: **Anyway, the popular rumor was that guests were unable to escape their rooms during the fire and that a number of them burned alive. Pretty grisly, right?

**SHANE:** Pretty grisly—if true.

**RYAN: **Like many frontier towns at the time, Portland’s population was primarily male, so the hotel’s owner, a woman Jane Harper, earned extra money by hosting home-cooked dinners in the hotel’s dining room. That being said, Jane was considered odd by most of the town. She was unmarried and would remain so for her entire life, and no one knows how she got the money to buy the property.

**SHANE:** Maybe she won the lottery!

**RYAN: **I don’t think the lottery existed at the time.

**SHANE:** You don’t know that.

**RYAN:** Okay, no, I don’t, but I’m pretty sure the lottery didn’t exist.

**SHANE:** Maybe they held it in the town square. “Ticket number 3204, you’re the winner of a whole fifty dollars!” “Golly, I can buy me an inn!”

**RYAN:** Is that how you think people talked back then?

**SHANE:** Maybe!

**RYAN: **I do think it’s kind of fucked up that people thought she was odd just because she was unmarried.

**SHANE:** Wait, that’s the only reason?

**RYAN: **It was the only thing I could find. I mean, we’re not married, and we’re not weird.

**SHANE:** I’m not, anyway.

**RYAN:** Hey!

* * *

**TRANSCRIPTION OF UNEDITED ON LOCATION FOOTAGE - INTERVIEW WITH CONCIERGE**

> _Following is a transcript of the relevant parts of the interview with the Inn’s concierge, conducted in the lobby. She did sign a waiver to let her image be used, so I guess there’s no harm in listing her name here—her name is Wyla Hawkins, so for clarity’s sake she is listed by her first name in the subsequent transcript. - L.D._

**RYAN: **So how long have you worked here?

**WYLA: **Hm, since I graduated college, so...five years?

**RYAN:** Cool, cool.

**SHANE:** Fun place to work?

**WYLA:** It has its moments.

**RYAN: **Did you know the place was haunted —

**SHANE:** _Allegedly_ haunted.

**RYAN:** — when you started working here?

**WYLA:** No, I didn’t. I never bought into that stuff, no healing crystals or auras or whatever for me. Which, this is Portland, a lot of people believe in most things. My roommate has gotten really into essential oils, like, drinking them? It’s so gross.

**RYAN:** Ew.

**SHANE: **What kind of essential oils?

**RYAN:** Ignore him.

**WYLA:** Yeah, uh, I don’t know anyway, I try not to look. Anyway, yeah, no one told me it was haunted, I mean, who tells you that during a job interview? Maybe they assumed I knew already. I started on night shift from the start—I’m a night owl—and, like, at first I thought the voices were guests, but then there was a night I knew no one else was here—it was slow season and the guests who were staying with us had gone out for the night—and I heard voices in the dining room. I was wondering what was up, maybe some of the staff had stayed late, but when I went to go see who it was, it was totally empty. I mean, whatever, right?

**SHANE:** Right.

[Ryan glares at Shane at this point.]

**WYLA:** Except that it kept happening, and it was always the same voices. An older woman, a couple of men. Sometimes when I’d come back from the dining room I’d find things at my desk here neatened. I finally mentioned it to one of my coworkers because I was sure they were playing a prank on me and he was like, oh yeah, that’s Jane.

**RYAN:** Jane Harper?

**WYLA:** Yeah. She poured her heart and soul into this place, they say. She actually—well, she didn’t _die_ in there, but she collapsed in her office when she was in her eighties, still running the place, and when they took her out to the hospital, she died on the way. Supposedly sometimes you can hear her humming in the office, like she’s working there.

**RYAN:** What about the other ghosts?

**WYLA: **I don’t know about all of them. I know Room 12 is supposed to be the most haunted. It’s the coldest room in the place, no one knows why. Even in summer it’s really cold, which funnily enough makes it popular. A couple people say someone was killed in there, but I tried Googling it and never found anything, so I think that’s probably bullshit.

**RYAN:** Do you believe that it’s haunted?

**WYLA:** I...don’t know. Yes. It’s just—I have seen things, a couple of times. The back staircase, I’ve seen disappearing around the corner at the landing. Sometimes I feel like I see Jane out of the corner of my eye when I’m working. But the thing is I don’t think they’re dangerous or anything. They always feel...kind. God, this sounds stupid, huh?

**RYAN:** No, no, not at all. Hear that Shane? You can’t go yelling at them to rip your guts out this time. They don’t want your guts.

**SHANE:** They haven’t seen my guts. These babies are premium. Premium guts.

* * *

**FOOTAGE FROM BUZZFEED UNSOLVED STUDIO**

**RYAN:** So some believe the Inn is located on a convergence of ley lines, spiritual lines that connect landmarks, religious sites, and man-made structures. In 1916, a spiritualist named Anne Morse came to stay at the Inn to investigate the reports of hauntings. She claimed to have made contact with ten distinct spirits during her visit.

**SHANE:** Ten seems like a very convenient number.

**RYAN:** It does, doesn’t it. Actually, if you tally up all the distinct sightings reported over the years, there are a total of twelve different ghosts that have haunted the Inn at one point or another. But there’s five main ones.

**SHANE:** Hit me.

**RYAN:** The first is obvious, it’s Jane Harper. She was the Inn’s owner, and she spent her entire life there. Apparently kind of a workaholic, because the most common sighting of her is in her old office.

**SHANE:** Jesus, that’s depressing.

**RYAN**: If I become a ghost and end up haunting this studio, I give you and Father Thomas permission to exorcise the fuck out of me.

**SHANE:** Noted.

**RYAN:** Most of the time she’s sitting at her chair or sometimes humming, since apparently she hummed while she worked.

**SHANE:** [hums]

**RYAN: **Yes, like that. Anyway, that’s the first ghost. The second ghosts is a, I shit you not, a fur trapper.

**SHANE:** [wheeze] A fur trapper?

**RYAN:** Yeah. I have no idea how anyone has gathered this other than I guess he looks like a hunter and wears fur or something? He’s usually in the dining room with the third ghost, another man who is maybe a musician, people refer to him as singing or playing the piano.

**SHANE:** A ghost piano?

**RYAN:** I mean—well, there’s a piano _in_ the dining room, but I guess he could also be playing the spectral piano.

**SHANE:** It’s about as plausible either way.

**RYAN:** Okay, whatever, do you want to hear about the last two ghosts or what?

**SHANE:** Hit me.

**RYAN:** Right, so these are both women. One is called Sally for some reason, no one knows why, but she’s young and is maybe a maid since she’s usually in Room 12 but apparently not as a guest.

**SHANE:** Does she leave mints on your pillow?

**RYAN:** Ghost mints.

**SHANE:** The new flavor of Trident gum.

**RYAN:** Product placement! Sally usually shows up when there’s a couple staying in the room, that’s what the reports have, with people saying they heard a voice speaking to them.

**SHANE:** Wait, is she a _ghost perv_?

**RYAN:** I don’t know, maybe! It’s unclear.

**SHANE:** All right, so ghost perv, got it, who’s the last one?

**RYAN:** The last one is the most mysterious one of all. Remember the spiritualist I mentioned, Anne Morse? Supposedly _she_ started haunting the Inn after she died in the late ‘60s.

**SHANE:** Wait, what? Did she die in the Inn?

**RYAN:** No! She was from, uh, Connecticut originally, ended up doing a lot of work in New York as a spiritualist, and after she did her work in Portland she went back there. Spent the rest of her life there. But people say that either she touched something here, or met something here and that’s why her spirit was drawn back. I mean, you know my theory is that spirits are drawn to the place they feel the most emotional connection to.

**SHANE:** That still makes no sense with your theory.

**RYAN:** The other theory is ley lines.

**SHANE:** Yeah, you’re going to have to explain that one to me.

> _Here I’ve cut out a good ten to fifteen minutes of Ryan attempting to explain ley lines to Shane, mostly with the aid of Wikipedia. Long story short, sometimes people draw lines on maps between important places and go, look, they’re lined up, how cool is that, there must be some sort of magical mystical resonance along this path. As pseudosciences go it’s really quite astoundingly lazy. - L.D._
> 
> _Ignore her ley lines are totally legit. - K.S._

* * *

**TRANSCRIPT OF FOOTAGE FROM RYAN’S CAMERA - DINING ROOM**

> _Shane and Ryan are in the dining room after dark, alone. It’s a large room, with large modern windows that look out into the night. Kind of ominous but pretty. Definitely the nicest haunted place we’ve ever investigated. - L.D._
> 
> _Okay look I know it seems like bullshit but there were Definite Voices on these tapes. Sometimes harder to hear than others but they were there. - K.S._

**RYAN:** So this is the dining room, where supposedly the fur trapper and the musician hang out.

**SHANE:** We should give them names.

**RYAN:** We probably _shouldn’t_, what if they’re wrong?

**SHANE:** You’re worried about giving the ghosts a bad name?

**RYAN:** [wheeze]

**SHANE:** I’m going to call them Francois and Jim. Jim is the fur trapper.

**RYAN:** I know one way we can get a name out of them.

**SHANE:** Oh no.

**RYAN:** Bring out the spirit box!

> _Footage cuts out and turns back on when Ryan is putting the spirit box on the dining table. Shane looks directly at the camera and shakes his head. _

**SHANE:** I hate this thing.

**RYAN:** Shane hates the spirit box, so I’ve agreed to only use the spirit box once per location. Anyway, let’s see what it has to say.

> _There’s really no point in transcribing the spirit box since it’s just unintelligible static and occasional sounds. Suffice to say it’s horrible and goes on for far too long and I utterly sympathize with Shane on this one. In any event just assume the spirit box is making noise throughout from this point on. _
> 
> _Anyway, this is the part where things start getting a little complicated to transcribe. There’s definitely another set of voices having a separate conversation concurrently with Ryan and Shane. I’ve done my best to represent that. Voices that Ryan and Shane do not respond to are in italics. Voices they do respond do are in bold italics. The voices were much easier to hear on the wide camera footage, so that’s where I pulled the most from. Areas where voices are unintelligible are represented with em dashes._ _For the sake of comprehension and coherence I have created a list of the voices heard throughout the investigation with descriptions of what they sound like. - L.D._
> 
> **VOICE #1 **\- female, first heard in the dining room. Sounds like an older woman, a bit raspy.  
**VOICE #2** \- male, first heard in the dining room. Has a slight Canadian accent (maybe? Could be Minnesotan for all I know)  
**VOICE #3** \- male, first heard in the dining room. Sounds younger than the other two.  
**VOICE #4** \- female, first heard on back staircase. Distinct mid-Atlantic accent, well-spoken.

**VOICE #1:** _They never do. Though—that one—more sensitive than—other._

**RYAN:** Hello, we heard that two ghosts like to hang out here and we were wondering if you might tell us your names.

**VOICE #2:** _ At least they asked—name—else—_

**SHANE:** I’m Shane and he’s Ryan!

**VOICE#3: ** _—with the hair—handsome._

**VOICE #2:** _Excuse me?_

**VOICE #3:** _Not—than you._

**RYAN:** Yeah, sure, those are our names. I believe one of you is a fur trapper and the other might be a musician, is that right?

**VOICE #1:** _ —that, Ted? They’re looking for—_

**VOICE #2:** _**That’s right.** Do you think they can really hear us?_

**RYAN:** That’s right? He said that’s right.

**VOICE #3:** _Well, they heard that._

**SHANE:** Confirmation bias.

**RYAN:** All right, well can you tell us your names?

**VOICE #2:** _** —y name is Philippe.** I haven’t seen people—Anne._

**RYAN:** Philip?

**SHANE:** I think he said Philippe. I bet that’s the fur trapper. That’s what the French did.

**VOICE #1:** _Anne is a special case._

**RYAN:** _That’s _what the _French_ did? What are you_ talking_ about?

**VOICE #2: ** _Jesus, they argue just like **we did.** Remember that, Ted?_

**RYAN:** ‘We’? We what?

**VOICE #3:** _I hope we weren’t—obnoxious. **We need** to show them what they—_

**RYAN:** Did that sound like ‘we need’? I don’t understand, could you be clearer, Philippe? What’s keeping you from crossing over?

**VOICE #1**: _Don’t fool yourselves. —just as—noxiously in **love.**_

**SHANE:** I think it said love.

**RYAN:** The power of love? What the—

**VOICE #3:** _Oh, this is pointless. Where’s Anne? Maybe—other way?_

**VOICE #1:** _—how it works._

**VOICE #2:** _Ah yes, as you know so well._

**SHANE:** Maybe if we love them hard enough they’ll leave.

**VOICE #3:** _Oh my God. I’m—ing— **[laughter]**_

**RYAN:** [pause] Are they _laughing_?

* * *

**TRANSCRIPT OF FOOTAGE FROM RYAN’S CAMERA - BACK STAIRS**

> _At this point they moved on from the dining room and decided to investigate the back stairs as part of the usual “trap Ryan in a dark place and see how long before he totally panics”_ _scene_. - K.S.

**RYAN:** So since Wyla said sometimes they hear ghosts coming up and down this staircase, we’re going to take turns sitting alone on the staircase to see if any approach. Shane is going first. He’s probably just sitting there, daring the ghosts to possess him, like a fucking lunatic.

* * *

**TRANSCRIPT OF FOOTAGE FROM SHANE’S CAMERA - BACKSTAIRS**

> _Shane is sitting on the stairs, the camera angled below his chin. He doesn’t speak for the first three minutes _ _of his stint. Maybe I’m imagining it but the stairs are creaking a lot, like someone’s walking on them. - K.S._

**SHANE:** There’s something about this place. I don’t know about the whole ghosts and demons thing, that’s Ryan’s bag, but there is definitely something about this place. Maybe I’ll come back when I’m not hunting ghosts. Debunking ghosts. I’m a ghost debunker, not a ghost hunter.

[pause]

Ryan is going to hate this.

> _Shane sits in silence for the rest of his five minutes. - K.S._

* * *

**TRANSCRIPT OF FOOTAGE FROM BACK STAIRS, RYAN’S CAMERA**

> _Unlike Shane, Ryan is very not calm. He’s drumming his fingers on his knee and talks for almost the entirety of the five minutes he’s given. - K.S._

**RYAN:** I’ve been thinking about what Wyla said, like, that the ghosts here seem friendly. I don’t know, I’ve never really had that Casper experience, so maybe there are friendly ghosts out there. We always go to the places where ghosts try to kill people. Here they just want to play you some music and maybe tidy up your room. That’s kind of nice.

[pause]

It’s strange, though. I knew what Wyla meant when she said it. I felt it when I came in. There’s no, uh, cloud hanging over this place. It doesn’t feel the way other haunted places have. Maybe it’s because it’s been kept up all these years, but I don’t think so. It feels _safe_. Which, look, it’s a haunted house, nothing is safe, but. Maybe this one would be okay.

[pause]

They didn’t say which ghosts are seen on these stairs. I wonder if our boy Philippe is one of them.

[pause]

I bet Shane is laughing at me in here alone. Probably going to jump out at me when I come down.

> _After reviewing Shane’s footage, I can report he was playing Two Dots. - K.S._

I think that—shit, did you see that? Something moved. I swear to god, I saw something. Did you see that?

> _Unfortunately all we have is personal camera footage from this part, so no clear voices. Ryan insists he heard someone saying something about sleep, or go to sleep, which he took as a threat to his person. _\- L.D.
> 
> _I listened to it a bunch and here is what I think I can make out in the background of Ryan’s footage: _
> 
> **VOICE #1:** _—seen them?_
> 
> **VOICE #4:** _Him?_
> 
> **VOICE #1:** _—think———visit—_
> 
> **VOICE #4:** _I might——speak—effort——not a good—_
> 
> **VOICE #1:** _Phil—in lo—_
> 
> **VOICE #4:** _—sweet—_
> 
> _Quality is pretty bad so most of it is hard to hear. After this it gets pretty degraded. - _K.S.

* * *

**TRANSCRIPT OF FOOTAGE FROM SHANE’S CAMERA - MANAGER’S OFFICE**

> _The manager’s office is on the second floor with an east-facing bay window. This was their next stop before spending the night in Room 12. At this point the voices start becoming clearer._ \- L.D.

**RYAN:** Jane, are you here?

**SHANE:** Jane, I’m sitting at your desk.

**VOICE #4: ** _—what I did too._

**VOICE #1:** _With you, I—it charming._

**RYAN:** Don’t—get up from there!

**SHANE:** Ooh, Jane, I’m messing with the papers! They’re all messy, Jane, you don’t want that!

**VOICE #1:** _ I don’t—here—dead, remember?_

**VOICE #4:** _Didn’t stop you from—me._

**RYAN: **People work here, Shane, this is someone’s workspace!

**SHANE:** Oh no, I’m touching all the paperwork! I’m messing with the pens!

**VOICE: #1:** _[begins humming]_

**VOICE #4:** _Jane, don’t be silly, this is no time to—ance—sweetheart—_

**RYAN:** She’s not—she’s not an OCD ghost!

**SHANE: **I do have to say, this is a pretty nice office. I can see myself spending a lot of time here. That bay window is gorgeous, I bet in the day it’s got a great view.

**VOICE #1:** _—with me._

**RYAN:** I mean yeah, as haunted places go—

> _At this point the humming becomes audible to all mics. Ryan and Shane stop talking and listen. It’s fucking spooky._ \- K.D.

**RYAN:** Do you hear that? Jane?

**VOICE #1:** _**Yes**, that’s me._

**RYAN:** Jane?

**VOICE #4:** _They hear you now._

**VOICE #1: ** _Maybe there’s something about—singing. Or maybe **it’s you.**_

**RYAN:** ‘It’s you’? What about me?

**VOICE #4:** _He’s almost a sensitive. I’d have—if I knew him—**alive.**_

**RYAN:** Shane, you heard that, right?

**SHANE:** Yeah, she said ‘alive.’ Yes, we’re alive.

**VOICE #1:** _Alive but not living. Can’t see—in front of them._

**VOICE #4: ** _Oh, don’t judge. Took us long enough to find each other._

**VOICE #1:** _Yes, dear, but we lived——apart. They’re together just about **every day**it seems. Look how they watch—other._

**RYAN:** Yes, every day. People come through here every day, is that what you’re saying?

**VOICE #4:** _Perhaps we aren’t trying hard enough. **Can you hear me?**_

**RYAN:** Yes!

**SHANE:** ...yes?

**RYAN:** Yes, I can hear you! Who is that, is that Jane?

**VOICE #4:** _This is **Anne.**_

**RYAN:** Anne Morse, the spiritualist? I read about you. Why did you end up haunting this place? Did something happen here? Something important that brought your spirit here?

**VOICE #1:** _Yes, tell me, Anne._

**VOICE #4:** _Don’t be coy, Jane. Yes, something did happen. I** fell in love.**_

**RYAN:** You...fell in love? With who?

**VOICE #4:** _**Jane. You understand.** I had to **come back to her.**_

**RYAN:** You fell in love with Jane? Jane’s ghost?

**SHANE:** Ryan, what’s going on? Is this a prank?

**RYAN:** Shane, I swear to god, I would never. You know that. I’d never compromise an investigation like that.

**SHANE:** Fuck.

**RYAN:** So you _are_ hearing this.

**VOICE #4:** _**Yes, Jane’s ghost.** And then I found myself here, and I think I’m so lucky to have **loved strongly enough to meet her.**_

**VOICE #1:** _You sap._

**RYAN:** She fell in love...she spoke to Jane’s ghost and she fell in love. Shane, that’s—shit, that’s incredible. Can you imagine loving someone so much that your spirit would find them in the afterlife? That’s—and they never even met in life!

**VOICE #1:** _Oh, darling, **he **_can_ imagine._

**SHANE:** What is—can we leave? Ryan?

**RYAN:** Can I get your verbal confirmation on video that you are definitely hearing something?

**SHANE:** I don’t know _what_ I’m hearing. Jane, uh, uh, Anne, uh, thanks?

**VOICE #4:** _Oh, you’ve scared him._

**VOICE #1:** _Men. **So afraid** of their emotions._

**SHANE:** I’m leaving now.

> _At this point Shane leaves the room, which is definitely the spookiest thing I’ve ever seen. Shane doesn’t get spooked by _anything_. Ryan stays for a bit, but the voices don’t say anything else. I’m really glad I wasn’t on location for this shoot because I’d have pissed myself. - K.S._

* * *

**TRANSCRIPT OF FOOTAGE SHOT ON LOCATION IN ROOM 12 - STATIC CAM**

> _This whole bit was shot in night vision. Whose decision was it to make night vision green? I feel like that’s by far the spookiest color they could have chosen. Why not blue? Or pink? I’d feel happier it was pink_. _\- K.S._
> 
> _Ryan and Shane are splitting the king bed. The staff actually sent up the whole honeymoon package as part of the test because supposedly the ghosts visit most when it’s newlyweds. You’d think after a certain point people would stop coming here after they get married, but then some people are freaky. - L.D._

**VOICE #4:** _Do you suppose they realize?_

**VOICE #1:** It certainly doesn’t seem that way.

**RYAN:** Are you awake?

**SHANE:** No.

**VOICE #4:** _I can’t imagine. They’re so fortunate to have this._

**RYAN: **Okay I know you’re awake because you just spoke to me and also you just kicked me.

**VOICE #1:** _Fortunate to be able to speak it. Ted and Philippe had this, too, but at the time—_

**SHANE:** I kick in my sleep.

**VOICE #4:** _Yes, yes. True._

**RYAN:** You’ve literally never done that before.

**SHANE: **I’m kicking you because I’m asleep and I want you to sleep so I can keep sleeping.

**VOICE #1:** _Though I should say it’s rather pathetic, isn’t it? Watching them dance around each other._

**RYAN:** I swear to god Shane, I think I can hear voices.

**SHANE: **Do you see dead people too?

**RYAN:** Shane, come on! Don’t fuck with me, I know you heard them back there.

**VOICE #4:** _Well, they’re in bed together. That’s certainly farther than we ever god. _

**VOICE #1:** _I was _dead.

**SHANE:** I don’t know what I heard, Ryan. I admit, there was something...odd about it—

**RYAN:** Odd?? They were having an actual conversation with us.

**VOICE #1: ** _This is absurd. Why don’t you just **kiss him?**_

**SHANE: **What?

**RYAN:** What?

**SHANE:** I didn’t say anything.

**RYAN:** Neither did I.

**VOICE #4:** _Well, that was a worthy effort, my dear, but—_

**SHANE: **[laughing] What is happening? Are we—is that?

**RYAN:** You fucking liar, you do hear them! You hear the ghosts!

**SHANE:** I don’t, I don’t—Ryan, hey, I’m ticklish—

**RYAN:** I know you are, that’s why I’m doing it—

**SHANE:** God, I [unintelligible]

[long pause, rustling of sheets]

**VOICE #4:** _Oh. I retract my previous statement._

**RYAN:** I—_Shane_.

> _At this point the tape ended, and Ryan said he had no idea what happened. I’m going to agree with him that the battery probably died and not say anything about how it was plugged into the wall the whole time. - K.S._

* * *

**TRANSCRIPT OF ON LOCATION FOOTAGE FROM SHANE’S CAMERA - ROOM 12**

> _Filming picks up in the morning. Shane and Ryan are getting ready to leave. Camera is on the bed, appears to have been left there. - K.S._

**RYAN:** I hope this, uh, this doesn’t make anything weird.

**SHANE:** Weird?

**RYAN:** You know, we work together.

**SHANE:** Yeah, we do. I, uh. I think it’ll be fine. We might have to talk to HR—

**RYAN:** Wait, why?

**SHANE:** Well, I don’t know if there’s any kind of policy vis-a-vis employee fraternization—

**RYAN:** I’m sure there isn’t. It’s not like I’m your boss.

**SHANE:** You’re right, I’m the boss.

**RYAN:** I—Shane!

[long pause]

**RYAN:** Okay, okay, uh, we really got to get downstairs. We’re supposed to be driving back today.

**SHANE:** They can wait a minute more.

[long pause]

**RYAN:** So is this a thing?

**SHANE:** I’d, uh, I’d kind of like it to be. You?

**RYAN:** I, uh. Yes.

[long pause]

**RYAN:** Okay, really, we need to go. [laughing] Shane, we gotta go.

[door closes]

[long pause]

**VOICE #1:** _—worked out rather well, I think._

**VOICE #4: ** _You aren’t seriously taking credit?_

**VOICE #1:** _Why shouldn’t I?_

**VOICE #4:** _I suppose you always did like to play match—_

[door opens loudly]

**SHANE:** I’ll be right down, I just forgot the camera!

> _Camera jitters up to a shot of his face, and I swear to God, in that antique mirror behind him there’s a fucking face, I showed Shane and he said yeah it looked weird but wouldn’t agree, but Ryan agreed with me. It’s a woman, she’s got sort of blonde hair and is smiling. I know what I saw. Don’t fucking @ me about this. - L.D._

**SHANE:** Oops, I left this thing on—

* * *

**RYAN:** —the point is, it was extremely convincing. There were voices that were not ours having entire conversations.

**SHANE:** I still think Ryan was playing a prank on me. Part of a cunning plan to win me over.

**RYAN: **I—oh, come on.

**SHANE:** I’m just saying, it’s very convenient all the footage disappeared.

**RYAN:** Well, if that’s true, it worked, didn’t it? So either way I win. Either I pranked you to—you know, or ghosts are real. Catch twenty-two, motherfucker!

**SHANE:** I mean, I kind of win too, right?

**RYAN:** Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about this while the cameras are running.

**SHANE:** Ah. Good point. Let’s continue this later, if you know what I mean.

**RYAN:** Oh my god. Why do I tolerate you?

**SHANE:** You know you love me.

**RYAN:** Well. Yeah.

— _Buzzfeed Unsolved, The Almost 70th Episode Retrospective_


End file.
